Almost every woman looks forward to being pregnant. It seems so glamorous, the "glow", the attention, it was going to be full of fun and adventure. I must admit my expectations of what it was going to be like were probably a little over reaching looking back. I had it all planned out, I would have the cutest nursery ever, the midwife, the birthing classes, the prenatal yoga, the themed baby showers and of course the most gentle, spiritual pregnancy a mother could have. I envisioned how I wanted my pregnancy just like the books told me to. Then that fateful day came, we found out our sweet baby had Amniotic Band Syndrome. ( I won't get very much into the story of this, please read it on my About section. )
I soon found myself on strict bed rest, forced to quit my job and basically twiddling my thumbs until I would deliver our baby. It is important for me to mention that our family and friends have been incredibly supportive and willing to help us in so many ways. I have a great mother and mother-in- law that come and take care of me several days out the week and a husband that bends over backwards for me everyday. I have want of nothing right? My baby boy is healthy and well and I am healing up very nicely. What was missing then? Why did I have this ache in my heart? It was the "visions of sugar plums" pregnancy I had my heart set on. It was haunting me. It brought me to a very dark, low place at times. I couldn't shake it. I would see women on Facebook post about their perfect, "normal" pregnancies and feel such resentment. I would see their pictures of baby showers and family functions showing off their perfect, beautiful bellies having the pregnancy of my dreams.
Finally I had enough. How dare I be so ungrateful? My physical health started to take a turn for the worse. I had the worst stomach cramps and I knew my body was telling me it was time to let go of this resentment. While I was praying one day I had a strong impression to call my mother and talk to her openly about what I was feeling. My mom is a massage therapist that specializes in emotional release and I definitely had some emotion that needed to be released. She took me through a powerful guided meditation she uses on her clients. She had me focus on where I was feeling the pain in my body. Then she had me use a container of my choice to start gathering it up. Once I had it all gathered up she had me give it the Savior. My pain in this meditation appeared as dirty, black, jagged rocks. Once I handed them to my Savior he turned them into beautiful, pure, white stepping stones on a gorgeous firefly lit stream. He then began to walk with me along those stones with his arm tightly around my shoulders. I felt so much love and concern. I also couldn't help but feel a great importance in the perspective I was gaining in that moment. This pain is leading me somewhere and it is a very important journey that the Lord has created especially for me.
After I got off the phone with my mom I got on my knees and I prayed. I raised my voice to my Father with praises of gratitude for every miracle I had experienced during this pregnancy. My eyes were finally opened to the amazing beauty of my pregnancy. My pregnancy is incredibly spiritual and my Heavenly Father and Savior have been with me every step of the way. I got a pregnancy full of the deepest, life-changing love. My pregnancy was met with an outpouring of service from friends and family. I got to be reminded that even in a dark, troublesome world there are bright, beautiful faces of love and compassion doing the Lord's work. No I don't get the opportunity to go out and shop for all of the sweet baby things I wanted to or have the party of a lifetime with my friends. I get something so much more dear and sacred than I ever could have imagined. I got a pregnancy filled with life lessons and sacrifice. It turns out I really did get the pregnancy of my dreams, I just had to open my eyes to the gift it truly has been.